You Are Not Alone

A few years back, before I was diagnosed with hypo-thyroid and way more craziness ensued than my present reality (hard to believe, I know), I would have more bad days than good days.  There were times when my dear, sweet husband would feel the need to leave work and come check on me and the kids because of frantic phone calls received with kids crying in the background and me sobbing in the foreground.  Hey, I said before that motherhood has been an adventure for me ... and like all journeys there have been highs and lows.  Anyhow, I digress.  Upon arriving at our tiny town home, Matt would find me completely distraught, and sometimes sitting in the dark, crying (if the kids were napping).  That was a season I never saw coming, and I recall as I was diagnosed with hypo-thyroid several months into this darkness, I was relieved to know that some of what I experienced was medically explainable and thus correctable.

For anyone who has had a chemical or hormonal imbalance, you know that correcting with medication can take time.  It is not a quick fix, and through the months of blood work, adjusting meds, coping and healing that followed, when we as a family or a couple would get into the car to go somewhere, my husband would often have this song playing:

Can't believe it's over I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew the days were slipping past
That the good things never last, that you were crying

Summer turned to winter and the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And God I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
til the light comes pouring through
It\'s when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the cross
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy and it can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy but you're not
When things have seemed to change, there's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
'til the light comes pouring through
When you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the world's crashing down
And you cannot bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost


I woke up this morning and I could tell right away that this day had the grim potential of being "a day."  I just wanted to climb back into bed (what mom of a newborn doesn't desire that) and let the cleaning fairy come and set things right in my world (meaning my little house).  Like I said yesterday, I get overwhelmed with not being able to get everything on my list done, and let me just tell you, I knew from 6:30 this morning that my list was far too long to conquer today.  Nevertheless, I threw on clothes, had several cups of coffee and got both kids off to school.  While driving my middle child to school I called Matt and let him know, in case he hadn't realized, that I'm having a bad day.  He knew.  And was quick to remind me that when I sit in a group of moms and they offer help or encouragement, it's because they to have been here.  I am not alone.

I never thought I'd find comfort in a Michael Buble song, and yet even as I read the lyrics I find myself reassured.  Reassured that when I'm not getting it quite right, when I don't feel beautiful because I've still got an extra 25 pounds of baby weight hugging my tummy and lower half, knowing when if I walk on my own floor in white socks those socks will need to be laundered, when my son goes to school without socks on because he's run out, when we have to use our handy restaurant.com certificates because said meat (from yesterday's post) never thawed, that I am not alone because of four things. 

1. I have been gifted with an incredible husband who lived on love and oatmeal with me for at least the first two years of our marriage, and even though I think he cares about the mess or my disheveled appearance, his love for me is unconditional.

2. There are these three amazing children who offer me smiles, hugs, kisses and life's unanswerable questions at every turn because they think I'm great and that I know everything.  (That won't last forever)

3. Because there are countless mothers who have gone before me, walk beside me, who get it.  Their houses sometimes look like mine and they struggle with similar issues.

4. Because the Creator did not design us to go it alone.  Community was invented and destined to be part of my reality by him.

I am not alone ... I may sometimes be lost, but we're lost together.

With this in mind I am giving myself grace today.  Here is my humble to do list.

1. vent a little -- check
2. drop off and pick up kids from school
3. quiet time
4. watch a chick flick (maybe fold some laundry at the same time)
5. shower
6. cuddle each child and help with homework
7. make dinner
8. in-home date night